A General Update

Hi everyone...I figured I would finally post an update. Obviously this has been a difficult time, filled with sorrow and laughter, and a deep sense of loss. That Thursday will be burned into my memory for as long as I live.

The day started out early, around 6 AM, with a great sense of dread, and many tears knowing the events planned for later that morning. The doctors came in around 9 AM, confirmed the plan to remove the breathing tube, and left us. The folks from respiratory came in around 9:45 AM, and the process of removing the tube was fairly simple. We all gathered around Jen's hospital bed, fearful that her body would not continue breathing without assistance. There were again a lot of tears, silent prayers, and we held on to Jen's hand, wishing for one last squeeze. Jen did continue to breathe, and was still fighting and hanging on as the first hour slipped by. The anticipation of that first hour left each of us in the room (Marie, Jan, me, my mom, and Jen's Aunt Sue) a little drained. After an hour, maybe an hour and a half, Jen began to cough, eventually expelling a blood clot. They had not warned us that the removal of the breathing tube had probably cut the back of Jen's throat. In her condition, she could not stop the bleeding. I don't even remember how much time elapsed, but the coughing fits continued, and Jan and I simply went into crisis mode, helping the nurses suction the blood Jen was coughing up. The nurses had tried to suction through Jen's nose...unfortunately, all they accomplished was creating two nose bleeds that we tried in vain to stop. After what seemed like a lifetime, we managed to get the situation "under control".

As fate would have it, the Operating Room that day had an emergency that required all the hospital's platelet supply, or so we were told. There would be no help to curb Jen's bleeding. The situation was calm enough to allow Jen's co-workers Wendy, Heather, and Jill to come in and visit one last time with Jen. The hours ticked by, and amazingly Jen's body continued to breath at a steady rate. In my head, I started to plan to be up all night, and as long as it would take. All the coughing fits and bleeding had required that Jen's medicines be upped to keep her comfortable and as free of pain as possible. I asked the nurses to increase the meds throughout the afternoon as it looked like Jen was laboring slightly and looked to be in some pain. I don't wish the responsibility of making that call on anyone...it is agonizing, and you second-guess yourself constantly. So much happened...I had a few moments alone with Jen, where I let her know how much I loved her and how much I would miss her. I prayed for her to gain God's grace, and be in peace. Around 3 PM, the bleeding returned, and we once again snapped into crisis mode, taking care of suctioning and cleaning the blood up. The day was slightly frustrating...the nurses and staff wanted to give us our space and time with Jen, but she needed their attention, and at times I wondered why I was the one doing all of this. To be clear, I don't regret or resent anything that I had to do that day...I promised to love Jen in sickness and health, for better or for worse, until death do us part....I intended to live those words, and I would have done anything to give her a sense of peace that day.

Around 4 PM, Jen's breaths started to change, and I whispered that it was ok for her to go. It is hard to describe the feelings you have at that point. I never wanted to let Jen go, but I was ready to see her in peace. Things continued to deteriorate, and with her family and loved ones beside her, Jen passed around 5 PM. There were plenty of tears, sobbing, hugs...no matter how hard you try to prepare, there is nothing to make you ready for that moment. After we faced the task of saying goodbye, and cleaning out the hospital room.

The past week has been surreal. Jen's family left on Wednesday, after we went to Baltimore to gather Jen's ashes. We spent time before that organizing the house in Woodbridge, looking through pictures, and trying to take care of the inevitable tasks death requires. I returned to work on Thursday, and had the Marymount memorial on Friday. It's so weird...Jen's sister Marie and I remarked that it felt like it had been weeks since Jen died, and yet it was still extremely raw and present. The entire week has felt the same way, and I know that before I realize it, the holidays will be on top of me, bringing a new wave of emotions. I want to thank everyone for the prayers and thoughts, and to everyone who came to see Jen.

I would ask that flowers be sent to the memorial services rather than our home. If you wish to make a donation in Jen's name, we ask that it be made to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, so that hopefully in our lifetime, this disease isn't such a death sentence. If you wish to make a donation to help cover any costs associated with Jen's services, please e-mail me at jeremyj.baker at gmail.com I will try to keep everyone updated on what is happening. Thank you again...

Jeremy